Memorial Day - Remembering Mental Illness

A year ago today (Memorial Day 2012) my brother Daniel committed suicide and went to live in Heaven.

I know that Memorial Day is supposed to be about remembering the troops who have passed, but after going through everything with my brother, I want to use this day to remember the thousands of families who have children with mental illnesses.  It's something that's not talked about very often - usually to protect the privacy of the person with the mental illness.  Daniel was diagnosed with Schizophrenia at age 16.  Because Daniel is now in Heaven I'm able to freely talk about it, and I feel an urgency to share my story for the people who are living in similar situations right now who can't.

Death isn't just a physical passing.  I believe that loss can happen even when the person is still alive.  I remember the day that Daniel came home from the hospital after his first schizophrenic induced psychosis.  He was a completely different person.  It was like my brother had died and been replaced with a stranger.   He would become very violent when he was in a psychosis, and tried to hurt himself multiple times.  We were always on guard not just for his safety, but also our own.  He was placed on medication as a way to sedate his mind, because of the terrors that were always running through it.  The medication changed him into a hallowed ghost of who he used to be.

After a while, stress would affect his body and that would send him into a new psychosis and the cycle would begin again.  His personality would change every time he went into psychosis.  Daniel went through psychosis 5 separate times and it was like my brother had died 5 deaths.  Even though Daniel looked fine on the outside, after going through all the years of mental trauma he had the mental maturity of a child and could not be trusted to live by himself.

Very few people knew about what was really going on so as a family we were mostly left on our own.  If someone would be diagnosed with a physical illness - like cancer - a community of friends would come around in support.  Because there's such a strong negative stigma with mental illness, families are left on their own.  Also, not very many people supported us, because we couldn't talk openly about his illness.

We weren't embarrassed by Daniel's illness, but he was ashamed of the actions that he would do when in psychosis.  Once his friends found out, they would treat him differently than before or completely reject him; therefore, he became very lonely.  He didn't choose to have his mental illness, and it was not his fault.  All he wanted was to be normal and healthy.  Last year he was in the middle of his 5th episode when he killed himself.  He just wanted to escape the torment that was going on in his mind.

The more I think about what my brother had to go through the more realistic Heaven is to me.  Daniel went through his hell while he was still on earth; a short time in comparison to eternity that we are going to live in heaven.  He has a new body, and most encouraging - a new mind.  He's no longer in pain or trying to hurt himself.

There are thousands of families right now going through the chaos that mental illness brings, and today I wanted to share just a small portion of my story to recognize them.

A year ago from today I started working on the idea for this film, and a couple days later I started filming it.  I spent over 200 hours of self-filming and editing it.  This entire piece was inspired by, and dedicated to Daniel, and what might have happen if he hadn't killed himself.

Where I don't Feel Alone from Esther Boller on Vimeo.

I got this tattoo today in memory of Daniel.

When I was two-years-old all of my siblings and I were playing in a woods by my house. All of the sudden my brother Caleb accidentally stepped on a bee hive and it start to swarm. Right away my siblings started to run out of the woods. I was too young to know any better so I stayed were I was - right beside the angry bee hive. Just as everyone was almost out of the woods my brother Daniel remembered me and came rushing back. He picked me up and carried me out to safety. Bees were swarming all around trying to sting his head; but his hair was so think that the bees were getting entangled in it, and the stingers couldn't reach him. Both of us made it out of the woods without one bee sting. He saved my life that day.  

Tattoo by Mike McNabb at Tip Top Tattoo And Body Piercings

Gatsby Prom: Part One - The Party

Here it is - the prom post!  The prom was last weekend and it was such an incredibly fun time.  The day after, Austin came over and we took our own prom photos.  So much time and work went into the creation of our outfits that we wanted to do a shoot that showed the details and told a creative story just as much as the garments themselves.  

For this shoot I had the idea of re-creating Gatsby's Party in my backyard.  After seeing Baz Lurman's take on Gatsby twice (yes, I saw it twice and I want to see it again) that film is the only inspiration that's been running through my head lately. So after 5 hours of set up Austin and I had a fun party of our own.

(click on image for correct size).

This was my first time experience going to a dance.  We went to prom with a whole group and I had such a fun time getting to meet and spend the night out with some really cool people.  I loved going over early to one of the girl's home and watching all of the excitement that's shared in getting ready for prom.  

Once we actually arrived it was fantastic being in a place where I could dance.  If anyone knows me well, they know that I love dancing!   I'm not very good at it, but I love it.  I'm that nerdy person who plays YouTube tutorials of "how to dance" in my room, at midnight, when everyone else in my house is asleep, and with my blinds tightly secured.  Overall is was a really fun and exciting time and I'm glad that I was able to be a part of it. 

^Our corsages are made with daises and myrtle flowers.  Get it...like the characters in the book.  It was Austin's clever idea!

I will be posting details of the dress's construction along with more photos of our outfits in a day or two. 

Here's a preview from instagram

In the mean time, tell me about your prom and what it was like!  Any special memories with friends?  

My Inspiration for May...

My mom is honestly the most inspiring person I know. Of course everyone says that about their own mom on Mother's Day, but this is the reason why she inspires me...

Mother's Day and Suicide
By Emily Boller

I grew up in a conservative, rural community that didn't talk much about the “s” word. In fact, suicide was the tabooed ticket straight to hell, and there was no turning back from the flames.

When I was a kid I remember elusively hearing about a farmer that hanged himself in his barn on a nearby farm, and another farmer in the neighborhood who shot himself. And for the majority of my childhood I rode the school bus past both farms, every morning and every afternoon; and passing by them always gave me a creepy feeling.

And a good friend of mine never celebrated Thanksgiving when she was a kid, because that was the day an uncle had hanged himself in the family homestead barn. To deny and hide the event, the adults carried on with work as any other day of the year. No Thanksgiving gatherings or traditions with family or friends were ever established from that day onward because of it. They never even mentioned his name or paused to remember his memory. To this day, she still doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving, and she’s older than me.

I can almost bet that mental illness had something to do with those farmers taking their lives. Suicide is a rational decision to an irrational mind; torment takes over the mind and death is imminent to relieve the pain. Maybe it was a bad year for crops, and there would be no hay in the barn or money in the bank for the winter months ahead; and an oppressive cloud of hopelessness and despair had settled over their minds. Maybe the mental illness was rooted simply in a nutritional deficiency or continual lack of sleep from helping with middle-of-the-night births of new livestock.

In sharp contrast, just a few weeks ago, on April 5, 2013, evangelical pastor and author of "The Purpose Driven Life", Rick Warren, lost his 27-year-old son to suicide. Warren immediately sent a note to his 22,000 member church (the note went viral) stating that due to his son’s life-long battle with depression, in a moment of despair, he took his life.

Even though I’m ten months ahead of the mother, Kay Warren’s healing journey, I would like to sit down with her this Mother’s Day and discuss our sons, our pains, our triumphs, and our questions. I know we would cry. We would laugh. We would perhaps have long periods of reflective silence. But I also know that we would feel absolutely no shame; and with both boys, we would know beyond a shadow of a doubt there were no tabooed tickets to hell for them.

I love what Valerie Porr, author of "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder, a Family Guide for Healing and Change" said about Rick and Kay Warren, "They tried so hard to help him, the whole family tried so hard and yet they hit the brick wall of the illness."

“They hit the brick wall of the illness.” That describes it perfectly. Bingo.

And that’s exactly what happened to Daniel and our family too. We worked so hard to help him. We tried so hard, yet hit the brick wall.

So even though this Mother’s Day I cherish the memories of Daniel’s birth, infancy, childhood, teen, and short-lived, young adult years; just like I do all of my children; I recognize the fact that Daniel and our family hit a brick wall with the illness, and there was nothing more we could do. And there is no shame in that fact.

Daniel went straight into the arms of Jesus that night; he was not alone.

I will never understand the mysteries of God.

And I will never understand the ways of God.

But I do know that God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit.

Many mothers (and families) are wading through the aftermath of mental illness today.

They are piecing their lives back together in the midst of the pain.

I don’t like pain. None of us do. We were created to avoid it; otherwise we wouldn't have nerve endings that scream, “Ouch!” when our fingers touch a hot stove.

But since Daniel’s suicide I’ve learned to embrace the pain; to not stuff the tears when they need to flow. I’ve learned to release the guilt of what I may have done to have caused it or worse yet, to have prevented it. I’ve learned to say that Daniel hanged himself instead of saying, “He passed away.” (As if he peacefully passed away in his sleep).

And I’ve learned to refuse to be the victim of the mental illness that took his life. It may have caused insurmountable anguish to me and my family, but I refuse to let it dictate and ruin my life, or my family's life. I will continue to daily choose to be all that God has created me to be. It may mean taking baby-steps instead of sprinting many times, but I will continue to be faithful to the purposes of my life.

So how does the mother of a child who commits suicide celebrate Mother’s Day?

By choosing to reflect on the goodness of God and things that are worthy of praise; and by refusing to throw-in-the-towel and quit. That’s sounds way too super spiritual, but there is no other way if I’m going to not only survive, but successfully thrive in the days, months, and years ahead.

I know that walking through the valley of the shadow of death will not automatically end on the one year anniversary of Daniel’s death. The journey will be for a lifetime ahead. However, I must continually put the negative stuff of the past behind me and strive for what lays ahead. It’s hard work. It takes much mental focus. And some days go better than others, but there is no other way out of the quagmire.

Ask any mother of a child that died by suicide.

Mother’s Day
May 12, 2013

- Emily Boller

I love you mom and I'm so glad that God placed me in your care and in this family.  I'm so proud of you.

This is the last family picture that was taken of my whole family almost 2 years ago at my sister's wedding.  My brother Daniel is on the far right.

There are still colors that are yet to be discovered...

I am now officially finished with high school!  Wow, that gives me such a strange feeling to say.  Now that school is over, most of my summer plans consists of sewing, photo shoots, and hanging out with some really amazing friends and just enjoying their company before I leave for college.

This photo shoot is mostly an experiment with color, and I'm playing around with a few different editing techniques.  I can't wait to finally put more focus into my art now that school is over and summer is starting.  I have so many hopes for this summer, and I feel so free now that it's begun!

All photos taken myself

Maxi dress:  Thrifted $2

Belt:  Thrifted 50c

 It's odd to think that I started this blog over 3 1/2 years ago when I was just a freshman.  I was reading through a couple of my really old posts the other day for nostalgic purposes, and I can't believe the changes that have happened.  

Peter Pan is still my favorite movie and main source of inspiration.  I don't think that will ever change.  My photography style has definitely changed, even in the past year I have noticed a difference.  I've started becoming much more experimental with the way that I edit my photos and I'm enjoying branching out. 

 My love for sewing has definitely changed.  I'm even more in love with designing and sewing than I was when I first started this blog.  I can't explain it, other than it feels like everyday the dream inside my heart is becoming more real and tangible to me.  I'm excited for the future and to think of the new changes that will happen in the next 3 1/2 years.  

My prom is next weekend and I'm making a long 1920s Great Gatsby inspired gown.  I'm going with my dear friend Austin who is an incredibly talented illustrator/graphic designer/architect and we came up with a few conceptual prom photo shoot ideas together.  I can't wait to introduce him into my blog!  I'll be posting those photos soon after next weekend so stay tuned.  

Here's a sneak peek of the very early rough sketch of my dress. 

I hope you're having a lovely weekend!  AND I'M FREE FROM HIGH SCHOOOOOL!  I had to yell it at least once!

Do you have any fun memories/adventures of your high school graduation summer?   I love hearing stories! 

Tiredness

This past week was the 11 month anniversary of my brother's suicide.  Grief affects the body in a way that's hard to fully explain.  Some days I'd wake up and physically/emotionally not have much to give that day.  This past week was one of those weeks where every day felt like that.

I decided on Sunday that I was going to try to work through it anyway and create something.  These aren't my favorite photos, but this shoot was more about working through the tired-rut than the outcome of the photos.

(click image for correct size).

1950s Inspired Spring Party Dress

Spring, spring, spring, spring!  Yes that was an excessive number of springs, but I'm too excited to even care!  I have been waiting for spring to arrive ever since January.   Normally I love winter, and I want it to stay prolonged for as long as possible, but this year I've just been ready for a change of seasons.  I'm ready for the flowers and the green again.  I think my trip to Savannah encouraged this, because I saw how green it was down there, and it made me long for summer.  Summer is the start of adventures, but spring is the start of the anticipation of all the possibilities, and I love that feeling.

All photos taken myself

Dress:  Esther from the Sticks

I made this dress for the Fort Wayne Museum of Art's Funky Formal Night that was about a month ago.  I wanted to create something very retro and 1950s inspired   I hand drafted this dress pattern and used over 5 yards of fabric.  There were so many pleats that had to be measured and hand pressed, that by the end I was ready to be done with the iron for awhile.  There are 1/2'' pleats around the top of the bodice, 1'' pleats around the waist, and 1.5'' pleats around the middle of the skirt.  There is also a pleated placket with buttons in the back covering the zipper.  

The dress itself is a simple strapless dress with a sweetheart neckline and an invisible zipper in the back.  The dress is fully lined with boning in the bodice for support.  There's also a colorful tulle crinoline that I designed to pop out on purpose 2.5'' below the hemline.

There are hidden pockets in the side.  Like I've said so many times before I like to have pockets in dresses.  Most of the time I don't want to carry around a clutch or a bag while I'm all dressed up.  I like having a place where I can stash my keys and cell phone without having to worry about carrying them all night.  

The first rough sketch. 

^Instagraming while in the middle of the sewing process.

Also for anyone who is interested this dress is for sale in my Etsy shop along with a couple other new garments.  I cleaned out my closet the other day of clothes that I will be selling so I'll keep you updated all throughout this month when new items are up.  

I hope you're having a lovely Friday and happy spring!  

Yesterday's Fire are Today's Ashes

Finally!  The warm spring weather is officially starting to hit Indiana.  You might not recognize this church. I've taken lots of photo shoots here in the past, but the appearance has changed quite dramatically   This past fall some vandals were playing around it and somehow the building caught on fire and burnt down.  It's amazing how just one small accident can change a building into something completely unrecognizable.  Even burnt down it's still a beautiful landmark to take pictures at.  It reminds me of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events, when Violet, Klaus, and Sunny revisit their burnt down home for the first time.  It's melancholic and beautiful at the same time. 

Jacket:  Esther from the Sticks

Blouse:  Esther from the Sticks

Shorts:  Forever 21

Tights:  Thrfiited

Doc Martins:  Gift from my cousin

Leather Bag:  Thrifted

Sunglasses:  Thrifted. 

Necklace:  Esther from the Sticks

I made this jacket about a year and a half ago over Christmas break, but I just now finally got around to photographing it.  It seems like I have far too many sewing projects that still need to be photographed.  Some days it's hard trying to come up with new ideas when my environment is always the same.  I've been looking for new locations to take photos lately and I found some places that I'm excited about.  Now I just need to set time aside so I can focus on shooting my work more often.     

  I hand drafted this jacket pattern using my own measurements.   The jacket is fully lined and was constructed using the same technique of drafting a princess style seam bodice.  There are hidden pockets in the front alongside the zipper.   The sleeves have ribbed knit, jersey strips as part of the underneath sleeve so there’s easement in the arms to make it more comfortable.  I found all the fabric at Wal-Mart in their clearance section.   This jacket has had lots of use, and I'm thinking about making another one in a camel color sometime soon.  What do you think?

All photos taken myself

I hope you're all having a lovely Monday!