Memorial Day - Remembering Mental Illness

A year ago today (Memorial Day 2012) my brother Daniel committed suicide and went to live in Heaven.

I know that Memorial Day is supposed to be about remembering the troops who have passed, but after going through everything with my brother, I want to use this day to remember the thousands of families who have children with mental illnesses.  It's something that's not talked about very often - usually to protect the privacy of the person with the mental illness.  Daniel was diagnosed with Schizophrenia at age 16.  Because Daniel is now in Heaven I'm able to freely talk about it, and I feel an urgency to share my story for the people who are living in similar situations right now who can't.

Death isn't just a physical passing.  I believe that loss can happen even when the person is still alive.  I remember the day that Daniel came home from the hospital after his first schizophrenic induced psychosis.  He was a completely different person.  It was like my brother had died and been replaced with a stranger.   He would become very violent when he was in a psychosis, and tried to hurt himself multiple times.  We were always on guard not just for his safety, but also our own.  He was placed on medication as a way to sedate his mind, because of the terrors that were always running through it.  The medication changed him into a hallowed ghost of who he used to be.

After a while, stress would affect his body and that would send him into a new psychosis and the cycle would begin again.  His personality would change every time he went into psychosis.  Daniel went through psychosis 5 separate times and it was like my brother had died 5 deaths.  Even though Daniel looked fine on the outside, after going through all the years of mental trauma he had the mental maturity of a child and could not be trusted to live by himself.

Very few people knew about what was really going on so as a family we were mostly left on our own.  If someone would be diagnosed with a physical illness - like cancer - a community of friends would come around in support.  Because there's such a strong negative stigma with mental illness, families are left on their own.  Also, not very many people supported us, because we couldn't talk openly about his illness.

We weren't embarrassed by Daniel's illness, but he was ashamed of the actions that he would do when in psychosis.  Once his friends found out, they would treat him differently than before or completely reject him; therefore, he became very lonely.  He didn't choose to have his mental illness, and it was not his fault.  All he wanted was to be normal and healthy.  Last year he was in the middle of his 5th episode when he killed himself.  He just wanted to escape the torment that was going on in his mind.

The more I think about what my brother had to go through the more realistic Heaven is to me.  Daniel went through his hell while he was still on earth; a short time in comparison to eternity that we are going to live in heaven.  He has a new body, and most encouraging - a new mind.  He's no longer in pain or trying to hurt himself.

There are thousands of families right now going through the chaos that mental illness brings, and today I wanted to share just a small portion of my story to recognize them.

A year ago from today I started working on the idea for this film, and a couple days later I started filming it.  I spent over 200 hours of self-filming and editing it.  This entire piece was inspired by, and dedicated to Daniel, and what might have happen if he hadn't killed himself.

Where I don't Feel Alone from Esther Boller on Vimeo.

I got this tattoo today in memory of Daniel.

When I was two-years-old all of my siblings and I were playing in a woods by my house. All of the sudden my brother Caleb accidentally stepped on a bee hive and it start to swarm. Right away my siblings started to run out of the woods. I was too young to know any better so I stayed were I was - right beside the angry bee hive. Just as everyone was almost out of the woods my brother Daniel remembered me and came rushing back. He picked me up and carried me out to safety. Bees were swarming all around trying to sting his head; but his hair was so think that the bees were getting entangled in it, and the stingers couldn't reach him. Both of us made it out of the woods without one bee sting. He saved my life that day.  

Tattoo by Mike McNabb at Tip Top Tattoo And Body Piercings