Ethereal Light: The Look Book

These garments and the thousands of hours I spent hand-knitting them were inspired by the process of healing and designed to give light to an area that is dark.  This darkness took me 4 years of "umms and stumbles" before I could even say it.  When I was young, I was sexually abused by my older brother. He suffered from schizophrenia and he later committed suicide.

Conquering these traumas weren’t easy; it took a lot of amazing people to knit me back together and bring me out of darkness, which is why I designed this collection inspired by light: to remind those of us who have been abused that they there is light after darkness and that they are not alone.  

I'm very thankful to these people, one of them being my beading collaborator Hannah Buechler who crystalized these pieces with hundreds of sparkles.  Also, I’m incredibly thankful to Swarovski Crystals for sponsoring my collection and giving even more light to this story!

Photography:  Franklin Headen.  Video:  Jordan Studdard.  Model: Mattah Parker. 

My heart in sharing my story and this collection is to give hope for those processing a similar abuse.  I contemplated for a long time whether or not to share this, but In the end, I needed to; I know there are those of us who feel more broken than whole - but wholeness does come again!

Healing is not a sad face emoji in the comment section. It takes a lot of pain, and hardship to say the truth out loud to someone you trust.  The fear is overwhelming at first, but it becomes less of a terror each time.  

The best thing that people did was listen, and remind me that I was not defined by my situation.  That there were better things ahead.  That it may not come right away, but eventually, after a long night, there would be a glimmer of light.  And eventually, those dark memories would be drowned out by light.

The Terrace on 14th St.

Hello, fellow web-wizards and friends. Currently writing to you underground, from my 45min morning commute to work. I moved to a quiet, little brick place in Astoria, NY, that my fiancé, Z, and I call The Terrace on 14th Street.  We want our wedding on this little terrace, so we're spending our free days whimsifying the place––a fleet of rocket ships and a room with celestial magic.

I started this blog when I was 12 and I'm now 22 and I can honestly say that all the good things that have happened in my life have come from friends like you who believed in me enough to just keep reading.  A sincere thank you to those who have taken an interest in my journey.

The last time I wrote on this blog (March 🙈) I was sleeping two hours a night,  20lbs under weight, and losing hair in clumps.  Since graduating in June, I'm happy to say that I'm now 10lbs overweight, sleeping a balanced 7-9 hours a night, and my hair is growing back at a steady rate.  

I’m finally at a spot where I’m excited to share again––how I’ve grown, how I'm growing.  I'll be posting again on the reg, starting with these illustrations from my senior collection.  

Also, Z's a really amazing guy.  Can't wait to share more about him ^_^ 

Harmony in Head

It’s midway through the day and I’m thinking three rows ahead, down at my knitting. It’s been 6 hours and whoa. I have completed, wait for it…wait for it… Three. Whole. Inches. 😐  This is a decent accomplishment, but I’m not admiring these fresh stitches. I’m calculating those three inches, into hours, and multiplying them by the knitting yield of the full piece, and then dividing that by seven and then counting down the few remaining days I have left until my critique with the dean. (10 days).

At this rate I should finish this single layer of my first look by, mm, next Tuesday.

I realize this same time comparison has actually been going through my head all day on repeat.  Inch by inch, hour by hour, day by day, minute by minute stitch by stitch by cup of coffee, by stich, I have been calculating my deadlines. The moment when I finish this piece, so I may move onto the next and begin calculating again, but as exhausting as it is to think about and as exhausting as this is to read, you should all know that there is a time when this chess game in my head quiets.

Two days a week, on Monday and Wednesday mornings, I have an art history class and it is my favorite moment of the entire week. It’s a time when I get to sit and pause and just look at artwork.  It’s so soothing. I’m not thinking in terms of a plan and a deadline. There’s no pressure. My boyfriend and I sit aside each other, both of our minds moving a mile a minute, admiring art, coming up with new ideas, and laughing at our professor’s ridiculous, interpretive, dancing. Yes, this really happens.

It’s a pause.  It’s a soak.  I always have a pen and paper ready, but not to write down the names of the artists or the dates of the paintings we cover in class; I have an entire notebook willed with new ideas.

As an artist, we need pauses. Soaks. We need to be inspired without the pressure of creating. Because when you’re not looking for something beautiful, is often when you find beauty in things the most.

Here are some of my favorites art pieces that I should have written in my notebook:

Updates

So many of you wrote such kind and sincere words on my previous "ice-breaker" post and that honestly meant a lot.  It made me feel less insecure about my slow posting time, which I admit is something that happens more than I like.  So thank you all for your encouragement!

I made A LOT this past school quarter.  I left Savannah for break only a few days after finals so unfortunately I didn't get a chance to photograph it all before I left.  I'll be back in January so hopefully I'll be able to then.  I do have a few detail images on my instagram though if you'd like to check that out.

In the mean time, I thought it's about time I share my website!  I got it up and running in the summer - there are still a few kinks and changes to be made, but overall I'm happy to finally have a working website. 

I'm currently back in NYC interning and working again over Christmas break!  I'm very happy to be back and I'll try to write more about it soon.  Till then, happy to be posting again! 

A Post About Nothing

I sat in front of my laptop for the past hour in contemplation of what in the world to write about.  I have written and rewritten three separate drafts, all with different topics, and somehow I'm still not satisfied with any of them.  They're all perfectly fine posts, I guess, but each of them has nothing to do with what's really on my heart or mind at this moment.  I think the problem is it's just been too long since I've written anything.

You know, it's kinda like that moment when you run into a close friend who you haven't seen in years.  There's so much to say, but you don't even know where to start so in the end somehow you talk about none of the really important things.  That's kinda how those past three drafts have felt like to me.

So instead I chose to write about nothing!  This post has no content other than to say that too much has happened for me to put it all into one post.  So instead, share your patience with me as I post this as an ice-breaker-post for hopefully better writings in the future.

Until then, I'm going wayyy back into the photo archive of this blog to when I was 15 and enjoying a long summer's day of butterfly catching.  This was back when I was still using a point and shoot camera and the 10 second self-timer to take self portraits.

Happy Friday!  

A Girl and Her Cat

My oldest and dearest friend of 19-years left earth today. There's something special and sweet about a pet's soul.  They have so much love to give and they share it in the simplest ways.  They're light little puffs of light to each day.  

Bobbie was my first pet that I ever had.  I got him when I was 18-months-old and we had a thick bond from the beginning.  He was one of those rare gems of a cat with the loyalty and tendencies of a dog.  He lived outside, and since we were in the country I spent most of my childhood days outdoors playing.  

He'd follow me on all my adventures.  I'd go fishing in our pond - well he'd be sitting right beside me to see what I'd catch (or more likely didn't).  I'd go walking in our woods, and 10 feet behind me there he was coming to join.  He came with me on all my photo shoots, and I've had to Photo Shop his tail out of a lot of the final images.  

There was a tree in my front yard that on the 2^nd large branch up to the left there was a nook against the trunk that fit the spine of my back perfectly.  This made for a fantastical knitting escape, and I would climb up and knit for hours in elementary school.  It was deemed the title “The Knitting Tree” by everyone in my family.  No one bothered me when I was there, and I was able to focus on what I was doing: needle in through the front, yarn over, pull through, slip the stitch off, repeat all afternoon long.  

Of course, 5 minutes into knitting, I hear this scratching noise and of course it's Bobbie climbing up the tree to see what I'm working on.  He'd sit to the branch next to mine and keep me company as I knit, purl, knit, till someone called me inside. Then we'd both hop down from our spots and walk back to the house together, 

The Knitting Tree

Bobbie also had the appetite of a dog.  I had a routine of swinging in a tree in my backyard at least once a day.  One time I was swinging and snacking on some Saltine crackers when Bobbie hopped up on my lap and nudged me with such a fervor that I just had to give him a part of a cracker.  He LOVED it.  From there I tested other foods on his palette and found that he enjoyed peanuts, mini marshmallows, and completely flipped for raisins.  Again the loyalty and appetite of a dog.  

He was also the best listener.  Whenever my brother Daniel was in the hospital I'd go outside and talk to Bobbie about it.  He was always there to lend a listening whisker as I rubbed his sweet spot between his ears.  

Losing a pet is, of course, not as severe as many other sad things that happen in life, but I decided to share these memories, because it's still worth taking a moment to remember a dear sweet soul that is no longer on earth today.

Bobbie, you were the best cat, dog, knitting/saltine eating companion a girl could ask for.  All the peace in the world little friend <3>

Stars and Feeling Small

"I want Mom.  When is she going to be back?" my younger brother asks, his voice cracking with emotion.

"I don't know buddy - but everything is going to be ok."

I feel so bad that I can't give him what he's wanting - his mom.  I sing him a song till after awhile he falls asleep.

I was 12-years-old, and it was late at night.  I had just finished tucking my younger brother Daivd in bed.  Both of my parents were gone over at the hospital taking care of my older brother, and I was alone with David.  It had been like that for the past couple of days.  I walk out of his room and with all the lights still on, I stop in place - the house is so empty.  In that moment I realize there's no one to sing me to sleep and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

I put my snow clothes on and go outside. It's cold and a foot of white is covering the ground.  I make an angel in the snow and look up at the stars that glimmer so clearly in the country sky.  I was overwhelmed with how small I felt compared to them.  I thought with all of these stars and the universe so big, there has to be at least one person out there who feels just as alone as I do.  I imagine someone else looking up at the stars from some other place, in that same moment, and thinking the same thing. And somehow, we were connected and I was no longer alone.  That thought gave me the comfort that I needed to make me feel like I was a part of something larger.

I was thinking about that night of star gazing the other evening, as I was watching the philharmonic play a free concert on the Great Lawn in Central Park.  I looked up from the grass and past the dark silhouette of tree tops to see a sky that was so blank and so strange looking without stars.

There's a similar feeling of small-ness, and feeling like you're a part of something bigger in the city.  Maybe that's because the buildings are so much taller, and there are crowds of people walking at all hours going somewhere to do something. When I see all of the people around me and the building so large, I get the same feeling that I use to get while star gazing.  The business and the grandness makes me feel like I'm a part of something bigger here.  Even though I'm a very small part of it, we're all small parts making up something bigger.

I've been in NYC for a summer internship for almost 3 weeks now.  Each day I feel more at home.  I'll be updating more often again over the next summer months!
    

New Year & New York

"Have you ever been to New York City?"

As someone who's pursuing a degree in Fashion Design, I get asked that question a lot.  It's a question that has always been hard for me to answer though. 

You see, my first trip that I ever took to NYC was two years ago during my senior year of high school. My mom was traveling with me and right as we were boarding the plane, she received a call saying that my older brother Daniel had suddenly passed away.  Due to the shock of bereavement, we had to turn back and cancel everything.

I’d never known how to respond in a simple way, so whenever I've been asked about New York City it's always caught me off guard, and I usually end up tongue tied and unsure what to say. 

Well about a month ago in mid December, I had been given an incredible opportunity to go to New York.  Several gracious people (words will not be able to express what their generous act of kindness has meant to me) came together and gave me the chance to go to New York.  

I was unsure how I would feel when I was packing the day before.  In fact, I was incredibly nervous and majorly freaking out.  A conversation with my very sweet roommate went something like this (please read with hysterical crying), "What if it's not as amazing as everyone makes it out to be?!  What if I don't like the city?  What if it's like the first trip, and some life altering devastating event happens right before?!"

Through the grace of God, none of that happened though.  I woke up at 5am for my flight, and I got on the plane and received no devastating phone call.  Surprisingly, I felt calm and grew more and more excited as the plane rose and dipped from the clouds, until I heard a mono toned plane attendant say over the intercom, "You have arrived at JFK airport, please be careful while opening the overhead bins.  Thank you and I hope that you have enjoyed your flight."  

I made it.  I was in New. York. City. 

I traveled with a designer who was one of the kind people who helped me on my trip.  She had arrived into JFK a little after me, and we took a cab into the city together.  During the ride she instructed me on how to use the subways, and which transportation apps I should download.  About 10 minutes into the cab ride she said, "Look, there's the city!"  I looked out my window and there it was - the sky line - glowing with all the hopeful promises that I've held dear to my heart for many years. 

And I LOVED NEW YORK! 

The hustle and bustle is somehow calming to me.  Everyone is doing something, going somewhere, and at all hours of the day and night.  I feel like someone could live in the city their whole life and still not see everything. And that excites me. 

I stayed with an incredibly inspiring family who didn't know me, but let me stay in their home and made me feel so welcomed.  I hope to have an inviting and hospitable home like theirs one day. 

Each morning I woke up with a schedule planning each hour of the day.  I tried to meet with as many connections as I could while I was there.  I wanted to make each day count.  I met with designers, artists, and people in the industry who could offer a bit of wisdom and knowledge.  They helped answer the many questions that I had at this stage of my life.

I went to fabric stores, and my heart felt like I had found home: floors and floors of silk, wool, jersey, leather - and it wasn't all polyester!    I have never seen so much fabric in my life.  AND OH MY GOODNESS, DID YOU KNOW THEY HAVE ENTIRE STORES IN NYC THAT SELL ONLY ZIPPERS?!  ZIPPERS!  I felt like a 13-year-old at a One Direction concert.  The fabric stores understood me.  It was like I found my record shop that all the indie, 90s kids went to and felt accepted. 

I felt like an imposter walking around Barneys, but it was something that had to be done.  I've see the runway looks from photos on Style.com, but to see them in person was incomparable.   I touched and inspected the quality of the garments and knew that it was good work - craftsmanship at it's finest - and that level is what I long for in garment construction.  I walked out of that big department store, wanting my sewing machine so that I could make samples of the different design techniques that I had seen.  Instead, I drew what details I could from memory, and saved the sewing till I was home near a machine.

I was there for six days and afterwards I realized that my heart was all in.  This trip brought so much healing to me on a lot of different levels.  It was a fresh start.  If anyone asks in the future if I've ever been to New York, I can say "Yes!"  It's no longer a city that's associated with only sadness and a lost opportunity.  It's now a place of that holds memories of God's goodness, people's kindness, and open doors.  The fear that I had while packing the day before is completely gone.  

Additionally, while I was in NY, I interviewed and received an internship position for this upcoming summer with a luxury women’s wear designer.  I’ll be working in their pattern drafting department and I am beyond excited!  

Thank you to everyone who's been so kind to keep up and follow my journey of sewing and life the past few years; it's meant so much to me.  I’m excited about this new year and the many unplanned possibilities that are available ahead!  I'm ready for New York City now.  It’s a fresh start, and I'm so grateful.  

Announcement: If you're in Savannah...

Hello everyone!  I've been a little quiet lately, because I've been preparing for an exciting event that's coming up this weekend!  If anyone is in the Savannah area this Friday, October 17th, come to the Urban Outfitters on Broughton Street.  I will be selling my clothes in their store that day as they take place in their first Marketplace vendors sale!   The store has invited several local artists and craftsmen to showcase and sell their work for a vendor day, and I’m very excited to have been asked to be a part of it!  I've been sewing new clothes non-stop (when I'm not sewing for school work) the past few weeks and I'm excited to finally share it all. 

I'll have a table and will be showcasing/selling my work this Friday from 12pm-7pm.  If you’re in the Savannah area, please come in and say hi!!  This is my first vendor sale and I’m a little nervous so it would be such a joy to meet a few friendly faces!

Here's an Instagram preview of one of the dresses that I'll have for the sale. 

Hopefully I’ll see you there!  And, for those of you who aren't in the Savannah area, I will be making new items for my Etsy shop soon after the sale!  

Lightning Bugs

 Lightning bugs are one of my favorite parts about living in the country during the summer.  They always remind me of childhood and running out barefoot with old Mason jars and trying to catch as many flickering lights as possible.  Of course, once they were brought inside the magic somehow disappeared.  The 20 glowing lights, became 20 gross bugs crawling everywhere and it wasn't quite the same.  But somehow the memory of the time catching them became even more special. 

What's one of your favorite magical parts about summer evenings?

Daniel's Piano Song

Two years ago on Memorial Day, May 28th, 2012 my brother Daniel died by suicide and went to live in heaven.

At age 16, Daniel was diagnosed with schizophrenia and went through his first psychotic episode. He loved to play the piano, and he was gifted in the ability to hear a song on the radio, find the tune easily, and play it without any sheet music. He also liked to create his own songs. He had one song in particular that he composed and would play almost every day for years to an annoying degree.

After he passed away, an e-mail was forwarded to my parents from one of his friends.  It included a cell phone recording of the song that he always played. In the e-mail, Daniel told his friend about a time that he was in the hospital and found an open piano in the patients’ common area. He sat down and started playing his song, when after a while he noticed that all of the patients had stopped talking. He wrote that the room fell silent and there was a sense of peace. From then on, whenever Daniel was anxious he would play this song.

Below is a surprise film that I made as a gift for my parents that is set to a re-recording of the song that Daniel used to play. After the film is the original cell phone recording of Daniel playing.

Daniel's Piano Song from Esther Boller on Vimeo.

I am so thankful for my friend Jonah Baker, who did a beautiful job of re-interpreting and recording the song for this film. You can check out his work here.

Thank you to everyone who has said such kind words of support to my family and me.  The amount of love that has been shown these past two years is really beautiful and has been so appreciated.   

First Quarter at SCAD

Hello lovelies!  I've now been home on break for a little over 2 weeks, and it's been absolute bliss to be sewing again!  Most of my focus has been going into the wedding dress that I'm in the middle of working on.  Until I have other projects to show, I thought that I'd show with you some of my artwork from my first quarter at SCAD.

Design projects: 

 This quarter I had Drawing 1, Design 1, and Survey of Western Art 1.  Next quarter I'll be taking
 Drawing 2, Color Theory, and an English elective that focuses on the literature of Jack London.  I feel more optimistic about next quarter, because I did most of my initial adjusting these past couple of months.

Also, I wanted to say thank you to all the outpouring of love that I received after I shared about my homesickness and grief a couple posts back.  I really appreciate all the kind words, and I've been doing so much better now that I've been home for a couple of weeks.  I've been sewing and catching up on rest and just spending time with my family.

Until my next post, here's a couple update photos on how the wedding dress is coming along.  I'm working on hand sewing the bead design onto tulle that will be attached to front of the bodice.

Birthday in the Sticks

Today is my 19th birthday and it feels so good to be spending it back home in Indiana.  I've been home for almost two weeks now and I've definitely noticed a difference in temperature.  I've been absolutely freezing!  There's a huge change from Savannah's winter temperature and Indiana's winter temperature.  I thought that I'd be taking more photos, but I've been too cold to even venture on an outside photo shoot until today. 

Even though I haven't been photographing much, I've made up for it in my time spent sewing!  This past fall I was commissioned to make a custom wedding dress so my main creative focus while I'm home is on this dress.  Here's a little preview of the hand beading that I just finished today.  I'll keep you updated as I work along!   

Until my next post I'll leave you today with the song that always gets stuck in my head for my birthday every year.