Thursday, July 7, 2016

Words where have you been....

 I've been so quiet this whole year.

There are several reasons for it, but mostly a lot of hard things happened that made it difficult to write about anything else.  But I want a voice again so I'm trying to re-find my words this summer.

I'm currently back in NYC interning for the break and I'm so thankful.  I became very burnt out towards the end of this year and the idea of New York was something that gave me a lot of hope.

I've been living in Brooklyn the past month and had a solid hour subway ride each time I had to go into midtown so I did a lot of reading.  I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love and there's this part in the book that made me pause -  it's that moment when Liz is with friends, and she's asked to give one word that describes herself perfectly as a whole.

I'm still trying to figure out what my word is.  I think it constantly changes for everyone depending on the season we're in.   Right now my word is "heal."  It's more of a word that I'm trying to get to.  To be healed.  I don't know what it looks like but I'm here trying to get that this summer.

My most healing moments so far have been just the nights I've spent sitting on the stoop of my apartment listening to Matt Corby and hoping by osmosis to soak up every bit of energy the city has floating in the air. I don't know if I feel fully healed, but I'm at least in a different place than before.

To quote a beautiful book, "I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."  And that's enough of a change for right now.


(The above collage is a project from this past school year.  I'm still editing it, but I'll post more from that project soon).


  1. I think that everyone who has gone through hard times knows how you feel. Healing takes it's time and it's never really finished, but it does feel better over time. Some things can't be rushed.
    Glad that you feel an urge to find your voice again. And also glad you get to be in a nice energetic place, change of surroundings is always a good thing.
    Take your time. And of course, if you feel ready enough to show a bit of your project, I'm curious - surely others as well! Still think you are incredibly talented and I hope you can use some of that as a release.
    All the best, frifris

  2. It's nice to feel your presence in my blog roll once again. You are always an energy-adder! I don't know if this phrase is pertinent to your situation, but it helped me once, and it has helped a number of my friends over the years. Unfortunately, I don't know its origin.
    "Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives."

  3. i have missed your presence!!

    good to *read* your voice again....i hope you continue to show up here :: i love visiting your blog!


  4. Dear Esther,

    Been wondering where have you been and what occupied you for these few months.
    It's good to see that now you have something that give you hopes. I hope all the best to you. Since I read your blog from the beginning, I know that you are a strong woman. Well, you've been through many things, ups and downs in your life. But you are still standing there facing to what tomorrow will come.

    Sorry if I said wrong things, I mean, if I not saying things that understand your condition. But always believe in God. Bcos He never give you something that you cant handle. and trust Him that He will have better plans in the future.

    Hope that you can get healed this summer! :)

  5. So happy to see you pop up in my bloglovin feed - your voice in longer forum then snapchat or instagram was greatly missed! I wanted to share this quote with you:

    “Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.” ― Alice Walker

    1. Kailey, I have re-read this quote many times since you shared it with me the other day. Thank you, it speaks to a lot to my life right now - change is the word that's been going through my head over and over and that quote put everything in my head into a clear explanation. And thank you for your kind and encouraging words about writing again! Lots of love my dear <3

  6. Hello Esther! I keep my fingers crossed for your healing process and I hope you will learn your own best ways to mend and fix your broken parts and love each scar your inner skin bears. Your reader, following a blog few years already, healing too.

  7. Thank you for this beautifull music of Matt Corby. I'm wishing you the best, stay strong, you're such an inspiration to other people... Love your work!