Where I don't Feel Alone from Esther Boller on Vimeo.
On May 28, 2012, my brother Daniel died by suicide. At age sixteen he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. For five years he went in and out of psychotic episodes multiple times. During the final episode he decided life was too much and he wanted peace from the torment of his mind.
Soon afterwards I began wondering what would’ve happened if he hadn’t ended his life; what would he be like in 10 – 15 years from now? He made his decision and was ready to leave this earth, but I wanted to create a situation in which that wouldn’t have happened. I wanted to make an imaginary flash forward to the future and maybe what it would’ve been like if he hadn’t killed himself. I hope that he would’ve been happy and found a passion that he loved and worked towards becoming great at.
I’ll never know what my brother would have been like in the future, or if he would have found happiness that would have prevented him from committing suicide. Although, I hope with my whole heart that in heaven he found peace, happiness, and freedom from his suffering.
This entire piece was a self-filmed production.
Music: To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra.
Older dancer: Mia Bendele - En Croix (Homeschool Ballet) Dance Fort Wayne.
Younger girl: Me
Esther, your video is so beautiful and touching. What a wonderful tribute to your brothers struggle and wish for peace. When I was younger (13), my older cousin took his own life. I remember feeling so confused, not understanding why someone would do that, especially someone with so much promise. I pray for your understanding, and healing. Hugs from Michigan <3ReplyDelete
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss <3ReplyDelete
Esther, you are amazing. What a beautiful video. And you write with grace and wisdom that shows God's love in you. I am saddened and sorry to hear of your loss. And I pray God's continued grace and comfort to you and your family.ReplyDelete
Amazing. Simply amazing. Well done!ReplyDelete
This is stunningly beautiful and so, so touching. It made my eyes well up. What a beautiful mourning/celebration of life. You are truly a gifted artist.ReplyDelete
You are amazing and such an inspiration.ReplyDelete
Beautiful video. I think your brother would be honored.ReplyDelete
You have such talent and creativity inside you. I dont know you but through your writing and films you make me care about you. My heart aches for you in your loss. Keep doing what you are doing and it will hurt a little less eventually. You are in my thoughts. :)ReplyDelete
i'm sorry lovely. that is such a hard thing to go through, your brother would have been proud.ReplyDelete
This is a beautiful video.I know Daniel would be very proud of it..ReplyDelete
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.. Knowing that God is with you. Hugs.
I come from the sticks of Indiana as well & that's how I stumbled upon your blog earlier this year... I also aspire to fashion design & have drawn great, great inspiration from your creative work. Thank you for sharing with the world ...
I was so ... so saddned to hear of your brother's passing. I felt like you handled it gracefully in your blog. I have worked as an activity therapist with mentally ill patients for several years. I see the sadness in their eyes daily... I know in my heart that your brother is more at peace now, although the way he went is difficult.
Your video is so well done. Keep up the good work! You are shining brightly!! xo
breathtakingly beautiful. May the Lord give you and your family an abundance of strength and understanding.ReplyDelete
Esther, thank you for making such a gorgeous video. I cried so hard watching it. Last year my brother-in-law's heart got broken and he took his life. Now that both Daniel and my BIL are in heaven, their hearts are in good hands.ReplyDelete
Time can help us come to terms with the loss, though one year out, I find it hard to accept that this is our new life. You will have many great friendships and good times in store, and you bring so much beauty to the world. Thanks for your moving tribute to Daniel. I will look for a way to honor my BIL, too.
Thank you so much for sharing that. It is absolutely stunning and I am sure your brother would say the same. I think you would appreciate a post by Roz at "clothes cameras and coffee" who wrote about depression and mental illness on her blog a few weeks ago. You are a truly beautiful and talented young lady. Bravo!ReplyDelete
you touched my heart! i'm sure, Daniel IS proud. i hope you'll be always able to feel his presence.ReplyDelete
Thank you Esther! You have a very interesting blog and I liked the video too. I would like to read a little more about the actual making of theese clothes too.ReplyDelete
You are one of the most talented and bravest people I have stumbled upon and you continue to inspire me with every blog post you do. Thank you.ReplyDelete
Thank you so much for this new inspiring post. Last month my cousin committed suicide. The worst part is, that I`m doing a gap year in Costa Rica in the moment. So I`m thousands of miles away from my homecountry Germany and my family. My cousin also had depressions. But before she was full of joy and live. So it`s hard to accept her decision, but this post is giving me hope :)ReplyDelete
Oh Esther, what a beautiful and strong tribute to your brother. The first minute had me in tears along with you. The imagery of the river is also visually very powerful. I admire you for tapping into your feelings and transforming them into such a sincere work of art. Thank you for this, xReplyDelete
Your video left me speechless. What a beautiful tribute to your brother. I pray God brings you comfort and peace.ReplyDelete
Beautiful. I wandered into your Blog and am so grateful I did. Your spirit, talent and beauty astounds me - you are going to do great things in life.ReplyDelete
I don't even know how to describe this video. You are so beautiful, Esther, and I really hope you know that.ReplyDelete
It must haven taken a lot of courage to share your project and vulnerability, but I'm so glad that you did. It's been almost a year since I lost a friend to suicide, and this captures the hope in the grieving process. I hope you find comfort and healing.
Also, I saw that you'll be posting as a columnist on Drifter and the Gypsy. I'm so excited to read your posts there!
You are power young lady. You have and will inspire many.ReplyDelete
I would like to be able to find a word for this, but I can`t. Thank you a lot for sharing this!!!ReplyDelete
Who is the girl dancing in the ballett studio? And are you a dancer, as well?
Thank you for your kind words (:Delete
She's a very talented dancer and teacher named Mia Bendele. I have the link to her facebook dance page (En Croix)in this post if you'd like to learn more about her and her dance studio.
And no, I'm not a dancer. I danced for a while when I was younger, but then I never picked it up again. I would like to though sometime this year!
Esther, what a beautiful, loving and moving story you've told through this video. I am always deeply touched by your insight, creativity and wonderful blog. Thank you.ReplyDelete
As someone who has suffered from severe depressions multiple times, I can relate to some of what your brother must have experienced. I also tried to take my life even though I loved life, nature, others. I was lucky to have survived, but couldn't say that back when it happened. I know that the pain I was in was so awful and was beyond what my mind could handle, as your brother's must have been.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I am sorry Daniel isn't with you but so, so grateful he is in the loving presence of God who must also understand this pain so well. Daniel is so blessed to have you for a sister and to be honored in such a beautiful video. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Esther I could not take my eyes off this video. Your insight, courage, talent and beauty go beyond your young years. So very sorry for your loss. You have captured the essence of Daniel and your feelings toward his passing. It is so nice to meet you. Dawn Suitcase Vignettes xo Touched and inspired. dReplyDelete
This is utterly amazing, its so ripe with emotion, and so beautifully moving. What a touching tribute to your brother, and for your family.ReplyDelete
You have such immense creativity, how wonderful that you can harness it to help you express and come to term with your feelings.
You have such spirit Esther :) truly inspiring.
This is a very beautiful video Esther and I am sure your brother loves it. I was very moved by it, you have talent conveying your emotions throught images.ReplyDelete
I wish you the best,
I am so sorry.ReplyDelete
I've run into your blog once or twice through links, and I just can't tell you much I empathize. I've got a cousin I was close to....
So important to let people know they're loved, while you still can.
Not just that, but also if you ever find yourself talking to someone only when you need a favour, begin with an apology.
Mary in Thailand
Esther. This is beautiful. I cried rivers. Two years ago my mum committed suicide and it was such a hard time for me (it still is sometimes). Daniel would have appreciated your film so much! It is such a loving gesture. I wish you all the best <3ReplyDelete