Thursday, June 13, 2013

All the cracks in the walls remind you of things we've said...

I love swings!  It dates back all the way to my childhood.  I've spent a lot of time on the swing.  Even today, every time I need a break the swing is the first place I think of.   It’s just always reminds me of calm and safety.  When Daniel was still alive and going through psychosis the swing was a place for me to get away. 


During one of his early psychotic episodes he went through a phase where he'd organize these chaotic piles of everything that he owned.  He would put mounds of random things, but “organized art” in his mind.  Every pile had a system.  It took over a whole room in our house once.  One day my mom told him that he needed to put everything away.  Of course, he didn't agree and suddenly he started yelling and quickly became incoherent.  I went into my room to get away, but I kept hearing these muffled bangs – he was throwing objects against the walls.  That’s when I decided to go outside for a while.  I used to go to our backyard and swing for hours, because it was safely away from the chaos inside, and the rocking motion always soothed me.

I used to pretend that the ropes were arms and that someone was holding me in that moment - rocking me back and forth trying to calm my cries.  It always worked.  So whenever Daniel would go into his violent spurts I would go sit on the swing, and pretend that I was being held by someone.  Then in the safety of the rope's arms I would pump my legs as fast as I could, thinking that if I pumped hard enough I could fly and touch the clouds that I was trying so hard to reach.  To this day swinging is such a calming motion for me. 




^Photos taken last summer by my incredibly talented and cool sister Ruth over at Yaro Photography.  Missing her today, but I can’t wait to see her in August!  She’s coming home to visit for an entire week!  I’m sure we’ll have many new photo shoots to show after that week.

8 comments:

  1. lovely post, i know it sounds weird but i like to hear about your brother. My mum had bipolar and i lost her 2 years ago the same way you did. I love the whole artistic vibe about you. You are beautiful inside and out, very special and rare! Dont change.

    Hayley xx
    www.addictionstoshopping.blogspot.com

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  2. Ohh cute post, pictures and lovely hair!

    Susan (from Brazil and from www.thecutefashion.com)

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  3. It's good to know that there are blogers who can easly talk about their feelings and emotions without pretending anybody. And that they can show us that everybody can be happy now even if in the past they weren't.

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  4. These photos are fascinating!

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  5. Beautiful photographs! Alex

    http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/4239571/into-the-woods

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  6. I find swinging therapeutic as well. :)

    Lydia
    lupinelydia.blogspot.com

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  7. I have no personal experience to empathize with your loss. But it saddened me so when you shared how he passed. I appreciate the glimpses you give us into your life. You are the most creative person I know of your age. I mean that with the highest compliment. When reading your words sometimes I forget you are so young. I am sorry that you have to bear such sorrows so soon in your life. Thank you also for sharing your creativity with us too. Your clothes are amazing and so is your photography. I know that there are great things in store for you. Keep yourself in the arms of those that care most about you and you can endure anything.

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