Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Stars and Feeling Small

"I want Mom.  When is she going to be back?" my younger brother asks, his voice cracking with emotion.

"I don't know buddy - but everything is going to be ok."

I feel so bad that I can't give him what he's wanting - his mom.  I sing him a song till after awhile he falls asleep.

I was 12-years-old, and it was late at night.  I had just finished tucking my younger brother Daivd in bed.  Both of my parents were gone over at the hospital taking care of my older brother, and I was alone with David.  It had been like that for the past couple of days.  I walk out of his room and with all the lights still on, I stop in place - the house is so empty.  In that moment I realize there's no one to sing me to sleep and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

I put my snow clothes on and go outside. It's cold and a foot of white is covering the ground.  I make an angel in the snow and look up at the stars that glimmer so clearly in the country sky.  I was overwhelmed with how small I felt compared to them.  I thought with all of these stars and the universe so big, there has to be at least one person out there who feels just as alone as I do.  I imagine someone else looking up at the stars from some other place, in that same moment, and thinking the same thing. And somehow, we were connected and I was no longer alone.  That thought gave me the comfort that I needed to make me feel like I was a part of something larger.

I was thinking about that night of star gazing the other evening, as I was watching the philharmonic play a free concert on the Great Lawn in Central Park.  I looked up from the grass and past the dark silhouette of tree tops to see a sky that was so blank and so strange looking without stars.

There's a similar feeling of small-ness, and feeling like you're a part of something bigger in the city.  Maybe that's because the buildings are so much taller, and there are crowds of people walking at all hours going somewhere to do something. When I see all of the people around me and the building so large, I get the same feeling that I use to get while star gazing.  The business and the grandness makes me feel like I'm a part of something bigger here.  Even though I'm a very small part of it, we're all small parts making up something bigger.

I've been in NYC for a summer internship for almost 3 weeks now.  Each day I feel more at home.  I'll be updating more often again over the next summer months!


  1. i just love visiting your blog..!!

    good luck with the internship….i know you shall do well..!!

  2. Best wishes with the internship. BEAUTIFUL writing.

  3. I always feel a bit sad when I can't see the stars in the sky

    1. Yes, there's nothing quite like looking up and seeing lights in the sky

  4. I love to read what you write.

  5. Wow, don't even know what to say, but this was beautiful. Love your blog!

  6. Very happy for you, Esther! Your writing sparkles with those NY city lights. Enjoy creating, learning and living there.

  7. I really enjoyed reading this :), I took my time with it, and it felt like poetry. Staring up at the city-sky of Lyon at night was the same - a mass of purple clouds and no stars. Arriving back home into the middle-of-nowhere NZ was like an awakening - the sky was filled again. In some ways, nothing connects us, but then everything connects us: matter, emotions, time and such.
    I wish you luck and joy with your internship! :) And I look forward to reading more.
    xX Zoe

  8. I remember my first 4th of July in NYC 11 years ago. I was on a rooftop in the East Village and could see the black silhouette of all the buildings back-lit by the fireworks. After a while, I noticed that there were crowds of people on all those rooftops. They were all there in the dark together watching the same sky.