It's been well over two months that I've been in Savannah now, and I'm definitely feeling homesick. I was organizing files on my computer the other day when I ran across these photos. My sister took these photos of Libby (my dog) and me while she was in Indiana this past summer. I didn't realize how much I've missed Libby until I saw these. My mom says that every time she's on the phone with me, Libby sits at her feet and stares at the phone like she's listening to me. How cute is that?!
Being homesick and away from close loved ones is definitely more difficult than I first thought that it'd be. Even more difficult - and what hit me unexpectedly - was the strong surge of grief that I'm still experiencing over my brother Daniel. Daniel committed suicide a little under a year and a half ago, on Memorial Day, 2012. Honestly, after the one year anniversary date of his death I was feeling emotionally better than I had all year. I was doing fine and I felt like I had finally moved past the most acute grieving period. I was so busy working and preparing for school that I was excited about the future and I didn't think about his death, or what had happened to him much.
Now that I'm in school, and in a place where I don't have to think about the future just yet - it's hit me just how much I'm still dealing with the grief from his death. Which is hard, because I wasn't expecting to have this hard of a time and that's hit me off guard. I often compare grief to the waves of an ocean. Sometimes they’re small, and gentle - while other times they’re huge, overpowering, and will come out of a place of nowhere. This makes it difficult being so far away from home and my main support system.
I've never realized before just how good it is to be around people who already know my story. If I'm sad, or upset, or just not talkative, my family knows why; even if I don't say anything. I know that new, strong supportive structures will be made in time, and they're already starting to form right now - but at the moment I'm missing home and I can't wait to see my family again in 3 weeks.
Oh, Esther, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'll be praying for you and your family, especially that you find new support structures. It's so hard to be far away from the people who really know you. I know it may not seem like it right now, but some of the people you're meeting right now are your future old friends. Also, I bet your school has a counseling system and you could find someone to talk to about how you're feeling if you feel like that might be helpful. I'll be thinking of you.ReplyDelete
Ginger's right, school counsellors are super helpful, at least in my experience. They're so well-versed on the problems that hit every uni student. Anyway, I think I speak for all of your readers when I say we're rooting for you.ReplyDelete
I recently moved away from my family in Miami to London, and I was so much more homesick than I thought I would ever be. I cried every night for weeks, and even after spending over a year here, it can still be incredibly hard to be away from the sister I adore, the mom I love, and the dog who worships me. I know it's tough at times, but your family can still give you strength even from a distance. Please let those waves of grief in when they come; you've had a terrible loss, and it's okay to let them carry you sometimes. Just remember to keep your head above water. xReplyDelete
I am so so sorry for your loss. Our family has had two suicide losses in two years and it is devastating. My heart goes out to you. I do know that when I am dealing with other unrelated but still strong stresses, the gates open wide and it all comes back. If life is hunky dory, not so much and feel in control again.ReplyDelete
Your are in my thoughts and prayers. I have been following your talent and wish you all the best. You've got what it takes.
Hi Esther. Hugs! And prayers. I don't know your story but I do know my husbands. His brother killed himself when he was 19, 8 years ago. He still grieves to this day. You are not alone.ReplyDelete
I am so sorry Esther. You're in my thoughts.ReplyDelete
I love you always, Esther Boller. God will provide great people and experiences for you in Savannah. I can't wait to see you on your Christmas break. xoxoReplyDelete
You are gonna have a great time with your family soon...Be good.ReplyDelete
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the pictures are lovely, and i know that if i still had a pet i'd me missing her most while at uni! and i definitely think that you feel the grief stronger when you're alone, away from family and other loved ones. even if it's years and years after someone's death. but it's also good to think about it, and continue with the grief process. hope you're feeling better, and have a lovely time with your family soon! xxReplyDelete
omg your dog is so cute! I hope you feel better soon!ReplyDelete
hugs!!! will be praying for you - starting school / being away from home can be really tough. enjoy your family when you see them! :)ReplyDelete
Hello dear Esther. Being homesick is such a deep and sad hurt and the loss of your brother so profound. You have a lot going on in this move and are a brave and remarkable young woman. Also know that those of us who follow your blog know your story care about you and understand. Many hugs.ReplyDelete
I love the photos of you with your dog. You look like best friends and also have some resemblances - your hair/fur color in one photo and the same sweet smile in another. Libby is adorable! She's is a delightful fur-sister.ReplyDelete
When I was away during college, I missed my cat so much. At Christmastime he sat atop the gift I sent, even though I wasn't there. Animals are such devoted friends.
Ester, I am so sorry your grief is still overwhelming at times. It is so much more difficult to rise above it when you are far from home and apart from those who know you best. Try to focus on your next visit home and in the meantime try to focus on finding and developing a new support group where you are. You are a kind soul and there are many people who would like to walk beside you on your journey. I hope you find peace in your heart soon.ReplyDelete
I'll pray for you when I think of you. Sending you a virtual hug!ReplyDelete
Hang in there for a few more weeks! This too shall pass, but in the meantime allow yourself to be carried by those waves.ReplyDelete
You are an incredible young woman, we are so lucky to get to see even a little bit of your spirit through this blog. You are in my thoughts as you prepare to return to your family's side for a while. I hope it is as much a period of restoration and gladness as you hope it to be!ReplyDelete
I know how you feel. Two years ago I lost my mother and I still can't move on. It is very difficult. I miss her a lot. The only thing that keeps me going on are the good and happy memories. I still have my father and he helps me a lot. Stick to the family.ReplyDelete
I hope you feel better soon.x